Specialists? Don't make me laugh

The Short tax form has been lauded as vastly simplifying taxpayers' lives.

Really? I wonder why there is no reference anywhere to what to do with unit trust dividends.

There is a box for "company dividends".

On the old tax form, of course, corporate and unit trust dividends were separate. You'd expect the notes would tell you whether unit trust dividends should be entered into this box. Nope. No reference to one of the commonest forms of investment in the UK.

Ring Inland Revenue. After giving extensive identity information I'm told the person picking up the phone can't actually answer any questions. He will put me through to someone.

I am put through to someone, after listening to Pachelbel's Canon (a piece of music I now loathe. I used to like it.)

This person says she can't answer any questions but I can talk to a 'technical specialist'.

I hold on for five minutes.

The specialists are all busy. Someone will phone me back WITHIN THREE DAYS. What?!!!!!

"You shouldn't leave it to the last minute then."

Er, this is not the last minute exactly. This is two weeks before the deadline for paper filings. And it is a simple question.

"Yes, but we aren't qualified to answer anything. You can ring back if you like."

Will I actually get hold of anyone who will answer the question?

Maybe. Maybe not.

What exactly is going on? No one I have spoken to at HMRC can actually answer any questions at all about the tax form and how to fill it in.

They just pick the phone up, take a load of information off you, and then tell you they can't help.

It's a con. My taxes go to pay for this 'help' line.

Some help.

This seems to be common across the whole civil service now. But I honestly despair of the tax office. I'm not asking for anything difficult here; I am simply asking WHICH FUCKING BOX DO UNIT TRUST DIVIDENDS GO IN?

You'd think I was trying to find out something very, very abstruse relating to trusts or inter-company transactions, or the foreign exchange rate I should use for imports from Botswana.

Call centre hell. And at the end of it, if they can't be arsed to answer the phone, guess who pays the fine for late filing of a tax return?

You guessed it. Me.

I do wish the bunch of overpaid and well stuffed idiots who inhabit Westminster - a place about which I am increasing coming round to Guy Fawkes's somewhat pyrotechnical views - would actually get their heads round the idea that we would like some service out of the civil service.